Tuesday, February 24, 2009

A Leter to My Shin

Dear Shin (the right one),

Lately you and I have had some trouble getting along and I would like get that out in the open. A few weeks ago we went for a jog and you held up fairly well. Now I know usually I give you a few days rest from one pavement trip and the next, but the next day was a really bad one and I needed to vent a little anger. The first hundred yards you tried to tell me it wasn't going to happen, and I didn't listen. 1/2 a mile later you were done screwing around and made your point loud and clear. I limped back home with a little less pride than before.

Now I gave you 3 weeks off after the screaming between my knee and ankle stopped. Today we went for a nice evening run in the moonlight. Just you, me, and the blinding headlights of passers by. The first quarter mile you were a little hesitant, but then you loosened up like a cheap date on dollar beer night and were just along for the ride. 2 miles later you were still game, but the lungs just couldn't hold out. The next 2 miles we walked a bit and ran a little more. Then, just as we cleared the last cross street you made your presence known. Now you burn from within with the fire of an STD than could only come from a 3rd world country in turmoil. This is bullshit and I want my $5 back. I mean really, it feels like I just scrubbed you down with a Brillo pad and some rubbing alcohol. This is ridiculous.

That's all. I've decided I'm to pissed to offer any resolution a this time. I will however drown out your voice with vodka for the rest of the evening.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Role Models

Everyone has them, and they change throughout our lives. This has been rolling around in the back of my mind for the past few weeks. I started with a little boy at Target begging his Mom for a toy of some kind, which she promptly made him put back on the shelf. I got curious for some reason and went to see what it was. It turned out to be Batman. Not surprising, but this got my mind driving in reverse back to the days of being a kid and what I was into.

The first thing I can remember liking was He-Man. Yes, I said it. I even remember his arch enemy Skeletor. After that it was Ninja Turtles, and I'm not embarrassed to admit that either. I can't remember much past that until my teenage years when it was all sports. Michael Jordan was on the list. Dale Earnhardt was the man for many years, and there might have been a couple more in that genre I'm forgetting. As I got older it was more of a respect issue rather than fantasy. While I can't think of any specific examples other than my grandfather (he was a hell of a guy), I can remember trying more to be like him as I grew into my own. Its been a while since I've had someone to admire, but a friend introduced me to my new hero. I'm pretty sure I'm going for a career change after seeing what this guy has to offer. (Is Pimping a career?) Now I can't exactly show you what I mean because that would be stealing someone else's thunder. I can tell you that if you tilt your head 90 degrees to the left and than try and look at your chin you might be staring in the right direction. All I know is that Bobby is the man.

I wonder if he has a sister.

Thoughts of Late

First and foremost-I need a vacation. No, I'm not flying to Michigan for a while so you fellas up north can keep your money for a while longer. I just need to get out of town for a day or 5. I'll probably just take a Monday off and go fishing with my old man for a weekend. That or I'm going snowboarding. I might need a little motivation to go with the latter, so if you know anyone with the same problem.......

Next up I would like to thank up the folks at Hulu for allowing me catch up with some tv over the weekend. I only watch 3 shows, but I might just start watching a few more. So to all those making it possibleI say thank you. (Even if you are responsible for the extinction of the Fraggle people. No, wait. That was someone else)

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Tales from the Dark Side♦

Well not really. But that's what this last week has felt like. I was taken to a large room in a sub-basement that felt like a dungeon. They forced me to work long hours without sleep. I couldn't leave until my task was complete, which is why I have ignored you for the past week. I did get 4 free cookies and a red bull out of the deal though. (The red bull really wasn't appreciated) I prepared for the ordeal by drinking throughout the weekend, and I even made an ass out of myself at least once. Not very proud of that one, and I think the price of redemption will be a steep one.

The good news is that hell week is over and done. I got off work ON TIME today. I was so happy I almost hugged a complete stranger at my apartment complex. I celebrated by doing a little recon at a new sushi joint, and cleaning my apartment. I think I'll even get a decent amount of sleep tonight.

Tomorrow I will run many miles, and I might even stock the giant beer container in my kitchen with something it hasn't seen for weeks-food. Someone even recommended I buy some fake fruit to make it look like I went grocery shopping. Knowing me I'd get drunk and murder a plastic apple at 3 in the morning.......and not realize it until the sun came up.

More to come this weekend.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Upcoming weekend

For those of you who don't know yet, I will be M.I.A. for the next week or so. If you have not pre-arranged alcohol consumption with me thus far, do not expect my presence at the next gathering. Sorry, but Saturday is the only day I have off and I'll be running errands all day and have plans that evening. Expect the blog to be abandoned during that same time frame.

Note: If you show up at my door with alcohol at 1 a.m. Friday night I will assist you with making it disappear.


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Riddle me this

I came across an old riddle today that stumps everybody, and therefore is my favorite. I won't pretend like I figured it out either, because I didn't. There are some rules-

1. No using the google
2. I will tell you the answer
3. Please note that I did not say when I would tell you the answer, or how much it would cost you
4. I will never post another riddle again if you cheat.

Here goes:

The man who built it doesn't want it.
The man who bought doesn't need it.
The man who needs it doesn't know it.

What is IT?

Sunday, February 8, 2009

If I Made the Rules

During my jog I had an interesting idea pop into my head somewhere between Mos Def and Coal Chamber. I sort of assisted the law in getting a friend pulled over earlier and I felt bad for them, so I'd like to propose a new law for speed limits. No more posting the maximum speed you can travel in your vehicle. Instead lets base the speed limit on an individual basis. And how do we do that? Simple-we base the speed limit on an individual IQ. How easy is that? Think about it for a minute. Whats your IQ? If you're reading my blog chances are you're allowed to go a damn sight over 100. Is that a smile creeping across your face? I thought so. Now here are some benefits I have thought of so far-
  • Idiots wont be able to keep up, so you have less chance of being hit by one
  • If you see someone driving slow, you'll know everything you need to about that individual
  • You'll get invited on more road trips with your friends
  • A sports car would be practical
  • We would get special lanes on the highway
  • You could take that job 45 miles away and not have to worry about the commute
  • Field sobriety test would be much more civil and even more accurate. Just a cop with a stopwatch asking you to take a quick test to verify how well your mind is working. Or you could be like this guy and there's no need. Whatever happens just don't make the cops break out the taser.
  • You could hit the snooze one more time every morning and still make it to work on time
Now there are some drawbacks here. Your below average IQ is between 70 and 84. That seems a little steep so here's what we do-When getting the car inspected the service guy just changes the speedometer to kilometers per hour. They'll never know and instead of going 80 MPH they will really be doing 50 MPH. Of course we could just go with the George Carlin point of view and let the idiots weed themselves out, tree by tree.

What do you think? If you have any ideas to add please comment. Maybe we can petition for it with 8 or 9 more people on board. And while I'm thinking about it, you can start saving up for my birthday present. I'll take one in black. I can't wait until September.

Good Day Today

Ever have one of those days when you wake up and just know its going to be a good day? Today was one of those. I got a ton of stuff done and still have a few hours left before I got into a vegetative state. It has to be the weather. Cool, windy, and overcast makes for a good day. I think its time for a movie, a little house cleaning, and a jog.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Evil Conspiracy

I just tried to get my cell account transferred to another company, and the nice guy at the counter said my credit was not exactly up to par. He said I could put down a small fortune for deposit and proceed. I wanted to laugh, but the shock of having bad credit was a little unnerving. Considering I had perfect credit a year ago and that I don't owe anyone money I did some digging. Of the three credit reports I looked up one decided not to help, one said everything was peachy, and the last one said I lived in Oklahoma and my date of birth was wrong. Therefore I have some to the following conclusion-I am not a Texan, my parents lied to me, and I still have perfect credit. It still doesn't explain my problem with the evildoers at the cell shop, and makes me even more angry. I don't even know what to do next. This isn't exactly how I saw my weekend starting, and now I have to go to work. Lovely.

Friday, February 6, 2009

The Plunge

27 years old, been working in IT for a decent chunk of that, and I just got into blogging. Its amazing I can even hold a job when you look at it that way. I would like to thank all those responsible. Most notably the woman that is my recent inspiration. I don't remember he name, but I met her at the circus. Long story. Others include my cats who are keeping me here on a Friday night. If luck holds out that will be cat -singular- before the night is over. Yes, sadly that's all I have to hope for on a Friday night, but I'll take it.

Fortunately for most of you football season just ended, which means it will be a while until I use this as a means to lay down long drawn out jokes that only the parties involved will understand. You'll be totally confused, but probably laugh at it all the same. Still not buying? Fine, lets just say they usually involve a few Smurfs, a twinkie, a brown man, gnomes, a snowflake, and a guy named Dave that causes all the trouble. I'll leave it at that.

Now its time for me to recruit some real nerds and attack this .xml file.